At a party when a woman tells you where she bought a wonderful pair of shoes, say you believe shopping for clothes is like masturbation, everyone does it, but it isn’t very interesting and therefore should be done alone, in an embarrassed fashion, and never be the topic of party conversation. The woman will tighten in her lips and eyebrows and say, ‘Oh, I suppose you have something more fascinating to talk about.’ Grow clumsy and uneasy. Say, ‘No!’ and head for the ginger ale. Tell the person next to you that your insides feel sort of sinking and viny; like a Claes Oldenburg toilet. They will say , ‘Oh?’ and point out that the print on your dress is one of paisleys impregnating paisleys. Pour yourself more ginger ale.
Lorrie Moore How To Talk To Your Mother, from A Gate at The Stairs